Friday, 3 January 2014

Satire News: First 2014 Arrest Made For Breaking New Year’s Resolution


A Sydney woman is the first person this year to face charges over breaking her 2014 New Year’s resolution of working out at the gym every second day.

The 33 year old was taken into custody yesterday evening when she failed to enter the premises of her local gym of which she is a member on January 1 or January 2.

The mother of three has already stated she will be pleading innocent, arguing that she had in fact “had a fair go at the treadmills” late on New Year’s Day.

Social Media Profiler Carrie O’Brian says that if the woman’s claims of innocence were in fact true, we would have seen a Facebook check in.

“I’ve seen cases like this time and time again, particularly at this time of the year,” she said.

“If in fact [the accused] had been to the gym on either of the first two days of 2014, she would have most certainly checked in on Facebook.

People simply do not enter a fitness centre without informing their friends on Facebook or another form of social media of their whereabouts.”

This is the first New Year’s resolution-breaking charges to be made in 2014, though it is unlikely to be the last.

NSW Police Commissioner Bradley Gardener says the majority of these arrests are made in January and February.

“It’s a busy time of the year for us, with a lot of people caving into addictions like fast food and smoking and breaking their resolutions quite early on.

Usually only the more obscure ones like forgiving more and practicing greater patience can keep us on our toes until as late as March and even April for those stubborn Resolutioners.”