Satire News: First 2014 Arrest Made For Breaking New Year’s Resolution

A Sydney woman is the first person this year to face charges over breaking her 2014 New Year’s resolution of working out at the gym every second day.

The 33 year old was taken into custody yesterday evening when she failed to enter the premises of her local gym of which she is a member on January 1 or January 2.

The mother of three has already stated she will be pleading innocent, arguing that she had in fact “had a fair go at the treadmills” late on New Year’s Day.

Social Media Profiler Carrie O’Brian says that if the woman’s claims of innocence were in fact true, we would have seen a Facebook check in.

“I’ve seen cases like this time and time again, particularly at this time of the year,” she said.

“If in fact [the accused] had been to the gym on either of the first two days of 2014, she would have most certainly checked in on Facebook.

People simply do not enter a fitness centre without informing their friends on Facebook or another form of social media of their whereabouts.”

This is the first New Year’s resolution-breaking charges to be made in 2014, though it is unlikely to be the last.

NSW Police Commissioner Bradley Gardener says the majority of these arrests are made in January and February.

“It’s a busy time of the year for us, with a lot of people caving into addictions like fast food and smoking and breaking their resolutions quite early on.

Usually only the more obscure ones like forgiving more and practicing greater patience can keep us on our toes until as late as March and even April for those stubborn Resolutioners.”

Live A Day As An Ostrich

Live a day as an ostrich Who knows what you may learn Walking in completely different feet With new worry, strife, concern

Live a day as an ostrich Who knows what you'll discover What secret plight of taking flight And other secrets you may uncover

Live a day as an ostrich One thing you'll learn I guarantee; That some advice simply makes no sense And you should ignore it entirely

Say What?!

Being an over-analyser and someone who loves words can be a deadly combination, particularly when it comes to breaking down the things that people say to me. Because of this, sayings that are quite common to others are often a source of amusement to me, so I thought I'd share just a couple of things I hear that make me laugh a little on the inside every time.

1. Have a safe flight! I enjoy this because it seems to suggest that I have some sort of control over the situation. I can almost understand "have a safe drive" or "have a safe holiday", because you have at least a partial bit of responsibility, but a flight? I can think of some pretty obvious ways to make the flight unsafe, ways I won't write here in case it gets this blog flagged for the wrong reasons, so I can only really assume people are warning me against doing those things.
2. That's funny. Hmmm, is it though? Now I get why people say this. Sometimes things are humorous, enough so to deserve recognition, but not enough to draw out a laugh. It just seems like such an odd statement, like commenting on a Facebook photo and saying "I like this" rather than just hitting the like button.
3. Forget I said that. Most people would understand that just because you tell someone to forget something, doesn't mean it's necessarily going to happen. In fact, it most likely won't. But I'm working on a theory that this isn't the reason why people say it. In fact, I think most people use it as a way to passive aggressively reflect their anger at a situation. You say "forget I said that" not in a literal way, but in a way to say "I didn't get the response that I was hoping for, and maybe if I tell you to forget about it you'll realise that". And yes, I do find that humorous.
4. I paid good money for that! Oh did you? I usually only try to spend my bad money... Seriously, what is good money and what makes it more morally just then all the rest of the dough in the world?
5. I'll be honest with you... Whenever someone leads with this, I immediately think, what are you the rest of the time? Has our whole relationship been a lie up until this point?! Should I only believe everything you preface with this sentence?!? OK, so it's not that dire and I know people use this phrase to highlight how honest they are being in that moment, but it still makes me laugh.

Before anyone starts an uproar, I will admit that I say all of these sayings. Every single one of them (from the extensive list of 5 that I wrote). And even when these phrases come from my own lips, I still find them amusing.

The Forgotten Ones

I'm a proud lover of the underdog; I often like to think about the forgotten or unsung hero. It's the reason I feel a pang of pity for whoever writes Terms & Conditions that practically everyone agrees to without actually reading, but not enough to actually read them myself. It's also the reason why I always want to know what happens to those secondary characters in romantic comedies.

The main type that concerns me, and is a very common feature in those cheesy chick flicks I'll admit to loving, is the original girlfriend or boyfriend of one of the main characters. Most RomComs are about joining a male and female in a romantic union, to provide the audience with an insight into a life that will be lived happily ever after once the credits roll.

Of course, setting the two love birds up together isn't going to be easy; no, that wouldn't be believable at all. What the film thrives on is having a problem for the two to overcome in order to be together, and what better crux than an existing relationship with someone else!

Now my problem with this poor secondary character (henceforth referred to as SC) is three-fold.

1. We have this concept that they are evil or way below the pay grade of the main character (aka MC) they are dating. This is probably fashioned by the blinding belief that the two MCs should end up together "just because". But let me ask you a question; why is the SC and MC dating to begin with? Surely this SC has something going for them, otherwise the MC we hold in such noble regard wouldn't have picked them, right? This relates to the second problem I have, which is...

2. They almost always begin to change the personality of the SC in a negative way near the middle/end of the film. I recently watched Bride Wars and it was a prime example of this. In case you haven't seen it and don't want a spoiler alert, perhaps block your eyes and sing loudly for the next sentence so I don't ruin the spellbinding plot twist of this Hathaway/Hudson masterpiece.
Basically, Anne Hathaway's character is all set to marry this guy, and you think, that's great! Then right near the end of the film, the writers start subtly hinting toward Hathaway possibly getting along with the brother of Kate Hudson's brother. You don't think too much of it at first because hey, Hathaway is happily getting married, and her fiance is a great guy! But wait a second... what's this? He's starting to get a bit rude. Then next minute, out of no where, he's a total jerk and Hathaway is flung happily into the arms of her awaiting true love, Hudson's brother. This last aspect is also coincidentally my third problem...

3. The MC moves on way too fast. Like, way way! Again, we're blinded by the excitement of two fictional hotties finding undying affection with one another to realise that if this were real life, and someone was actually moving on that fast, we'd be holding an intervention. Most people know that one scene between breaking up with one person and making out with another isn't usually deemed as an appropriate time period.

So there you have it. A meaningful insight into what perturbs me on a typical evening of watching a Romantic Comedy. Luckily for me all it usually takes is some Black Forest chocolate and a hushing nudge to my brain before I can join the rest of the chick flick lovers in the ignorant bliss this particular genre tends to provide.

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Puns

I've learnt in life that the puns I find the funniest are usually the ones that are met with the loudest groans and most exaggerated eye rolls. Here is a collection of some of the worst (also known as the best) puns I've penned, in no particular order.

Did you hear about the botanist who was killed by hospital staff? They accidentally gave him a poison IV.

They recently created a robot who can play classical music fantastically. Only problem is they put his arms on the wrong way and he can only play Bach-wards.

What's a fruit's biggest fear? Being berry-d alive.

What's a fruit's second biggest fear? Meeting another fruit that's into cann-apple-ism.*

I used to be a short film maker, but then I had a growth spurt.

Did you hear about the classical musician who had to go to anger management classes? He had a violin-t streak.

Read a book today titled 'The World'. You'll never guess how it ends.

Read a book today titled 'Guide to Good Wine'. It was a best cellar.

Read a book today titled 'What Type of Cooling System Are You?' I wasn't a fan.

Did you hear about the guy who did his grocery shopping at Officeworks? He found everything he needed for a staple diet.

I think that's enough for now. Feel free to add your own or extend upon these ones in the comments!

*Can't take all the credit for this one. A genius at my work came up with the "cann-apple-ism" idea, just in a different context.

Pastimes In A Time Past

Lately I haven’t had as much access to the Internet as I usually would, and the whole thing has got me wondering… how did people possibly survive before social media? I’m talking way back in the day, when the “horse power” of your vehicle was literal and attached to your carriage. How did people share what they were doing, stalk what others were doing, and just generally interact without actually interacting?

Did people hire painters to spend hours immortalising the salad they just made on canvas, only to enquire at the end what it would look like with the X-Pro II filter?

Were messengers sent out in a frantic flurry to inform as many villagers as possible that their masters were, in fact, getting buff at the local exercise parlour?

Did waiting outside the royal gates for any kind of monarch to go somewhere so they could be followed equate to a reply from a celebrity on Twitter?

Maybe back then they were less about “checking in” and more about checking out their surroundings. Maybe catch ups were held face to face, not over an instant messaging forum, and when they shared their lives with each other they never got the response of “oh yeah, I read that on Facebook”.

That’s not to say I think social media is a terrible thing. In fact, like many other advancements since the Ye Olde Days, like sewerage systems and electricity, I think it serves a brilliant place in society. To me, it’s just one of those things, like sewerage plants and electricity bills, that can seem overwhelming in large doses. 

Patience, Iago

I don't have the Internet at home at the moment so it's hard for me to put new blog posts up, but I've got a good 'un in the pipeline. In the mean time, here's a sneaky post sent from my office desk with a real mind bending question:

Why is it that when you come around a corner, or open a door to something like a public restroom, and there's someone standing there we always say "sorry" to each other? Is it "sorry for opening the door at the same time as you"? "Sorry for existing in this moment of time and temporarily getting in your way"? Or even, "sorry for making you aware that other people exist and can be in places you weren't necessarily expecting them to be"?

I'm not talking about actually physically bumping into someone, just rounding a corner or discovering them on the other side of the door.

It baffles me every time.

Mull over that until I can post something with a bit more meat.